Sitting here...attempting to work on my gospel doctrine lesson. It is amazing that I always have 3 weeks to prepare and still end up doing it Friday or Saturday. I am usually thinking about it for all of 3 weeks, but just have to sit down and focus to "finish" it. It's the "focus" part that I usually get stuck on...no big surprise there...
I am not at my house tonight...watching a good friend's children today and tomorrow. Adorable blonde-haired, blue-eyed little wonders...almost 3 and 5...tonight included several rounds of "Don't Break the Ice," dinner, a t-ball game where big brother did fantastic and I learned that little brother is pretty impressive at throwing and catching a ball. Then bath time...snuggle time, stories and songs. I always hope they won't ask for singing because their mom has an amazing voice...and...well...mine is...just pretty average. But when they DID ask for songs tonight, I thought maybe if I mixed it up and sang in Spanish, that would present enough of a distraction...kind of worked. The youngest is especially intrigued with Spanish and as I sing, I laugh and imagine this fair-skinned, blue-eyed, chubby-cheeked cherub playing amid a big group of brown-skinned, dark haired, Spanish speaking kids his age...and the image always makes me smile. Love these boys, love how they talk, how they laugh...how the youngest says "Guess what, Julie?" to begin most every sentence and the oldest is so dang smart and always crumples his eyebrows together and tilts his head slightly right before he asks big questions. When I am with these kids (and many of the children in my life...clients, nieces and nephews, children of my friends)...I am usually thinking "I don't think I could love them any more, even if they were my own... Just adore them.
Which leads to me (in a long way) to my point...as I am spending time with these adorable boys and just eating them up...my brain and heart are kind of tangled up in some news I got earlier this week that I can't seem to figure out.
A sister from my mission passed away. At 32. She and I did not serve as companions, but I knew, loved and admired her. She was always positive, always kind, so easy to love. An excellent missionary and just an incredibly genuine person. And as I read comments so many have made on her facebook page and on her family blog in the last week...I keep thinking... "No, no, no, no no...32 year old mothers do not die." Especially when they have adorable children...ages 2, 4 and 6 who are captured in a "messy-hair, ginormous smile christmas morning picture" that hurts me to see-those faces...so innocent. Especially when the darling, gentle, soft and fun mom has a happy family and a great relationship with her husband...and a baby growing in her womb. No, no, no, no, no.
I have not met her husband or her children but I keep seeing the faces of clients I have had over the years who have lost parents or siblings...their grief...how hard/sacred/amazing that work is...with these gentle kids who ask questions such as "Well, I just don't get why Jesus got resurrected but my dad didn't. That isn't fair." And all I could say to the 6-year old that day was "You're right, it isn't fair at all right now."
It isn't fair that this sweet 32-year old mother's little 4-year old girl has already stated her concern that dad won't be able to do her hair like mom does it. And he won't. But what chokes me up is knowing that he will really try.
Life. Isn't. Fair.
It's not fair that some mothers who adore their children and the sacred role of motherhood die way too soon and others who find their children to be just a burden...live forever. It isn't fair that teenage girls get pregnant accidentally when grown women and their husbands ache over years of infertility. It isn't fair that there are kids in foster care who did nothing to deserve that kind of childhood. It isn't fair that my brain is full of details and stories from lives of my clients (from "tiny, tiny barely 3-years old and still in diapers" clients...to adults who have lived through some pretty amazing and difficult stuff)...details that I cannot share because I don't want them rattling around in anyone else's brain. It isn't fair that Ken, the man who has lived on the street corner near the agency I worked at for 3 years, is homeless. It isn't fair that I have wanted to be a mom since I was 3 and almost 30 years later...have not yet had that privilege. It isn't fair that my dear friend is on her 11th round of chemo and still has more to go. (Although, in some ways, it is very fair...that she is fighting this and that while still there is still a ways to go...things appear to really be heading in the right direction...so grateful for this).
But...it also isn't "fair" that I have a large group of amazing friends and family to whom I am very connected. It isn't "fair" that I get paid to do a job that I would (most days) do for free because of how much I love the work...when others have been unemployed for months or years. It isn't fair that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives my life such purpose and direction when others all over the world are struggling to find answers to questions that don't bother me. Many friends of mine have expressed that it isn't fair that I could take a long, un-interrupted nap on the weekend. And to them I say "Yes, but it isn't fair that you get to wake up to bed-head snuggly toddlers whose lives and hearts revolve around you..."
So...I hope that "fair" comes to the family and children of my sweet friend who passed away this week...I hope that as they grieve the losses of their mom/wife/daughter/sister as well as their tiny baby sister/daughter/grand-daughter/niece, they are comforted beyond what is "fair." I hope math is easy for all three of those kids and that the 4-year old little girl has hair that is never tangly. I hope family and friends living near them do not stop offering support after the first 6 months and that many "moms" help to raise those kids.
And maybe, I hope that I can keep remembering that there really is no such thing as "fair." Life is full of experiences, blessings and trials. And as one of my close friends always says "life is a long time..." I know that fair isn't something we experience in this life. "Fair"...however, is what comes in the next....when everything is unraveled and we are able to understand the things that never made sense down here...and we are blessed with more than we deserve....all of us.
