Mother's Day-Part II

Preface: this is another of those more "real" kinds of posts that you don't see super often here. But since this IS my blog/journal...I feel entitled. Wait til next week if you want frivolity. XOXO-jb

To my future kids,

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day down here. Kind of a weird day for me. Easy in that I get to think about and celebrate my mom and all that she's done for me...and also all the women I know and love who teach, love and nurture-I am lucky in that there are many.... But hard in that I am not celebrating it as a Mother. And my friends will say that I love & nurture my darling kiddos in therapy and even my new little darling stinky webelos, and my nieces & nephews and my friends children-all of whom I love as if they were mine...

Still. I am waiting for you. I don't know how you will come, I am hoping I will have the experience of feeling the miracle of life, with a tiny you moving in me...I want to know about that. I am also aware that there's a good chance one or more of you may come into my life through adoption and I am excited for that. You may come to me as a big kid with some rough stuff that happened to you before we meet-I'll be ready for that too. I will wrap you up in more hugs than you ever thought possible and we'll do whatever it takes to help you grow up safe.

The mom stuff I feel ready for, it's the wife stuff that's tricky. Where the heck is your dad??!?! Seriously, when he shows up, I'm not sure if I'm going to lecture him about his severe tardiness or kiss him long and hard. This waiting business is making me crazy. Still, I'm not picking a crazy (ask me later about "bike boy," "chick-fil-a" boy, etc). I'm looking for a good dad for you, one who will work hard, love me, and love you all-a lot. Someone who will be gentle but strong and honor his priesthood and his role as a husband and father. We may have to wait for the right one, deal? Once we find him, we get to keep him for always, so it will be worth the wait. Promise.

I started thinking about you guys when I was about 3 and asking my mom when it would be MY turn to be a mom. Most of the time, I'm happy and busy and moving along with life, but always I wonder about you. Always I would pick you over anything else I have going on now. I'm turning 32 soon. I don't really worry about age except when I do the math...I'm now at least 32 years older than the oldest of you (if you're coming to be biologically), which means, I might seem very old to you. When you're graduating from high school, will your friends think I'm your grandma? Don't be mad, okay? And will I be strong and healthy so I can run around with you and your soccer/softball/basketball/tennis/track stuff? (Please don't pick football! I don't want you to get hurt!)

Some of the stuff happening down here is kinda crazy. I worry about what you might have to deal with and I think about and pray for you even though you're not here yet, crazy huh? The only time I'm okay with you not being here yet is when I worry about keeping you safe... I'm sure gonna wish I could shield you from trials, and sickness and hard things...even though that's not really the plan...

Sometimes I don't like going to church on Mother's Day. I don't like it when they make all the women over 18 stand as the deacons pass out flowers or chocolate....and the poor kid coming my way glances back at his mom and mouths "Her?!??! She doesn't even have kids! She's not even married!" and I pretend like I didn't see it because his mom is mortified. As he passes the gift my way, I make a mental note, "I am FOR SURE not coming next year!" Except that I say that every year and every year I go. I was pretty sure I wouldn't go this year except that it's my week to teach gospel doctrine.

So. Tomorrow I will go to church. And all kinds of emotions will surface...because my feelings about the role of women, especially mothers, are more deep and more tender than I will ever be able to express in words. And my love and gratitude for my mom, as well as the other friends/family in my world who love, nurture, protect and teach is profound. As are my feelings about you...

So, my dear little ones. You're not being "picked last," I have wanted you for a long, long, long time. And once you come, I'm keeping you forever and ever and ever.

Love you,
Your (future) Mom

Mother's Day-Part I

Mother's day growing up was easy and fun...usually involved construction paper cards or some amazing (you read: completely terrible looking) craft from school, including at least two ceramic jewelry boxes which I think mom kept for about 25 years. (I'm sure she wins the award, I'm guessing most moms ditched them about 24.5 years sooner).

So, it still is a great day..a smidge more complicated for me personally (for explanation please see the next post). I love my mom...have called her my "Kool-Aid" mom for about the last 10 years because in the kool-aid commercials, the mom always, always, always shows up with a smiley pitcher of kool-aid at precisely the right moment-assuring her perfect children would never get the slightest bit dehydrated. Granted, my mom loved us enough to NOT allow us to drink kool-aid endlessly...but she was the Queen of all the little things...presents on Valentine's day, green pancakes on St. Patrick's day, a candlelight pizza party on my tiny, tiny, tiny plastic "dishes," and bringing balloons and treats to the classroom for every birthday. She endured "pick-up picnics" (which I'll discuss during the Father's Day post), camping and other outdoor adventures well... She loved me then and loves me now. She worried about me then and she worries about me now. She always did her best...and I'm grateful for that. She was and is a great mom and I've learned so much from her.

No mother is perfect, and she's spent more than a minute apologizing for not being able to find me a REAL Cabbage Patch in 1983 when they were pretty much black-market...she thought the "American Kid" would do and my guess is that she was sad/surprised/devastated when her 5-yr old immediately ripped open the package to check the doll's hiney for the "Xavier Roberts" proof that it was an AUTHENTIC CPK...and found a signature-less bum...sigh. And she dealt pretty well with the teenage Jules who was somewhat mortified when her parents (ym/yw presidents at the time) disco danced during an activity in FULL disco attire. (Truth be told, they WERE good...I believe they had lessons at some point, true or false, mom?).

I was browsing the Mother's day cards recently and found one with a mom and her young son on the front. Inside it says "Behind every great kid is a mom who's sure she's screwing it up." My experiences as a therapist would support the fact that most moms try very hard to do everything they can to help their children. They don't always do things perfectly, but that would be impossible. And most moms worry so much about not being perfect. The older I get, the better my perspective gets (and those of you older than me might laugh because I still have so far to go...) but it's really starting to make sense. I'm sure that when I cross the bridge into motherhood, things will suddenly/abruptly make much more sense. Mom used to tell me "You'll like me when you're older." Well Mom, I'm older. Like you. Love you. Lots.

So...my message to my darling mom and the other women I know and love who are all amazing Mothers...You are amazing. You are making a difference. You are loved, you matter and there's no such thing as perfect parenting...and there doesn't have to be. Your influence reaches far, much further than you know. So. Take a deep breath and get back to relaxing. This is, after all, your day! I love you!