Mother's Day-Part II

Preface: this is another of those more "real" kinds of posts that you don't see super often here. But since this IS my blog/journal...I feel entitled. Wait til next week if you want frivolity. XOXO-jb

To my future kids,

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day down here. Kind of a weird day for me. Easy in that I get to think about and celebrate my mom and all that she's done for me...and also all the women I know and love who teach, love and nurture-I am lucky in that there are many.... But hard in that I am not celebrating it as a Mother. And my friends will say that I love & nurture my darling kiddos in therapy and even my new little darling stinky webelos, and my nieces & nephews and my friends children-all of whom I love as if they were mine...

Still. I am waiting for you. I don't know how you will come, I am hoping I will have the experience of feeling the miracle of life, with a tiny you moving in me...I want to know about that. I am also aware that there's a good chance one or more of you may come into my life through adoption and I am excited for that. You may come to me as a big kid with some rough stuff that happened to you before we meet-I'll be ready for that too. I will wrap you up in more hugs than you ever thought possible and we'll do whatever it takes to help you grow up safe.

The mom stuff I feel ready for, it's the wife stuff that's tricky. Where the heck is your dad??!?! Seriously, when he shows up, I'm not sure if I'm going to lecture him about his severe tardiness or kiss him long and hard. This waiting business is making me crazy. Still, I'm not picking a crazy (ask me later about "bike boy," "chick-fil-a" boy, etc). I'm looking for a good dad for you, one who will work hard, love me, and love you all-a lot. Someone who will be gentle but strong and honor his priesthood and his role as a husband and father. We may have to wait for the right one, deal? Once we find him, we get to keep him for always, so it will be worth the wait. Promise.

I started thinking about you guys when I was about 3 and asking my mom when it would be MY turn to be a mom. Most of the time, I'm happy and busy and moving along with life, but always I wonder about you. Always I would pick you over anything else I have going on now. I'm turning 32 soon. I don't really worry about age except when I do the math...I'm now at least 32 years older than the oldest of you (if you're coming to be biologically), which means, I might seem very old to you. When you're graduating from high school, will your friends think I'm your grandma? Don't be mad, okay? And will I be strong and healthy so I can run around with you and your soccer/softball/basketball/tennis/track stuff? (Please don't pick football! I don't want you to get hurt!)

Some of the stuff happening down here is kinda crazy. I worry about what you might have to deal with and I think about and pray for you even though you're not here yet, crazy huh? The only time I'm okay with you not being here yet is when I worry about keeping you safe... I'm sure gonna wish I could shield you from trials, and sickness and hard things...even though that's not really the plan...

Sometimes I don't like going to church on Mother's Day. I don't like it when they make all the women over 18 stand as the deacons pass out flowers or chocolate....and the poor kid coming my way glances back at his mom and mouths "Her?!??! She doesn't even have kids! She's not even married!" and I pretend like I didn't see it because his mom is mortified. As he passes the gift my way, I make a mental note, "I am FOR SURE not coming next year!" Except that I say that every year and every year I go. I was pretty sure I wouldn't go this year except that it's my week to teach gospel doctrine.

So. Tomorrow I will go to church. And all kinds of emotions will surface...because my feelings about the role of women, especially mothers, are more deep and more tender than I will ever be able to express in words. And my love and gratitude for my mom, as well as the other friends/family in my world who love, nurture, protect and teach is profound. As are my feelings about you...

So, my dear little ones. You're not being "picked last," I have wanted you for a long, long, long time. And once you come, I'm keeping you forever and ever and ever.

Love you,
Your (future) Mom