I usually post pictures and stories that are cheerful, fun and/or frivolous. This is not one of them. I'm taking a risk here by being a bit more "real" than usual... I guess it's good to be real sometimes...because I am convinced that our "frivolity"and difficulty being real prevents us from really being connected. It also results in me hearing things like "you have so much freedom, you are so lucky, you get to do everything you want, it must be so nice, I'd give anything to have that kind of time..." and the like. I understand the comments and if you're one of the people who have said them please know that I am not offended/mad/sad at you. But I do want to say this...The Grass Is Always Greener....
Because tonight I went to a Christmas party for work...and it was me...and me. When I go to church, I am my own bench, I am my own family. Sometimes there is no where to sit and I feel like it's just me in a sea of families...and some days it hurts enough that I want to stand up and walk right out. This is not how I planned it. My "beehive plan" has gone terribly awry, it kinda all hit the fan when I graduated with my Master's degree...unmarried. I don't really even have a framework for how to be 31 and single. I am just figuring it out I guess. Like we all do with our stuff.
When I see countless darling children in therapy (almost all of which I would keep if I could) who ask me how many kids I have...the conversation always leads to them asking a very baffled "Why?!?! Why don't you have kids...well, why aren't you married?! Don't you WANT to have kids? Don't you WANT a husband?!?! Weird!!!" They just look at me perplexed and I have "tried on" many different answers and still not found one that really works...so I resort to: "I promise to tell you when I get a husband." That seems to appease.
So...to the many who see my life and wish to trade...I will say this...I know you are envious of my free time, my ability to nap, the opportunity to go to the bathroom without an audience, quiet, freedom, etc. This I understand.
I just want you to know...I am jealous that you have darling little wonders to snuggle and tuck in bed at night, that you know with whom you will be this Saturday night, who you will sit by in church and on whom you will the focus the majority of your love, time, efforts and prayers (for the rest of your lives). I'm jealous of how it might feel on Mother's day in church, or how your hearts must melt when tiny arms wrap you up in big "You're the best in the whole world" hugs, and how it might be to come home to someone who wants to see you more than they want to see anyone else in the world.
And I know you're thinking "Dream on Jules, think about the spaghetti dripping down the walls, the baby with a nose that perpetually runs and makes me worry, 8,439 trips a day to a billion places, endless trips to the doctor and way more than we'd like to the ER, kids who fight FAR more than they get along, not enough sleep (ever) and homework that not even I know how to do..." I get that.
Still, the grass looks awfully green over there.
So...I just want to say...I'm sure there are days we would trade straight across. And if we did, there would be days when we'd beg to switch back. Make no mistake, I am very grateful for all that I do have...which is a lot. I am happy, I love my life and the people in it. I am grateful for the things I am learning, I know things happen for a reason and I believe very much in the Lord's timing...I understand that life will happen as it's supposed to...but at times I still freak out that maybe my job is to love a billion children and keep none of them...at least not in this life.
And regarding the grass again...everyone's patch has weeds...most of which you never see. You know what I'm talking about because you know your own weeds...the things that cause you pain or worry or heartache or stress...and you also know that few people really know how it is for you. I bet you've also all experienced people at some point wishing for your life because to them, it looks better...easier...more fun...and you may have been thinking "If you only knew..." I have thought that before. More than once.
Truth is...we are all lucky. We all have more than we deserve and in the end, it all works out. The middle can be awfully scary. I work with a lot of people in the "scary middles" of their lives. Unfortunately for some of my little wonders, the "scary middles" come way too soon. I am grateful for what I learn...from the many lives that affect mine. Grateful for the gospel. It is the good news. It is what promises us that the end can be Perfect...no matter what the middle brings.
16 comments:
This is, without question, my favorite thing you have ever written. I love you Jules. Thank you for being honest. I am truly grateful for my life--runny noses, food on the walls, kids that hug their mom even when she is grouchy, uncomfortable couches, late-night worries, a husband that I see very little of late, intense callings, marrying the greatest person I have ever known--absolutely all of it. I wouldn't trade a single thing. Especially having you for my best friend. Love you Jules.
jules, I do envy your life, and yet I know it is rough. Thank you for reminding us to enjoy the life we have. I second Linn in that this is my favorite post. I hope it doesn't disappear. :) You truly amaze me. I love how you are always happy.
oh and I think it's a good thing we have the same background. Just shows that we both have good taste. :)
I'm so glad you wrote this. I was just talking to Trav about you this weekend. I am horrified to admit that I am one of those that left you a similar message a few months back when you posted your pics. from NY! I was having one of those "grass is greener" days. Car breaking down, kids going nuts, family bills, etc. But it was your honest reply that really helped me that day and really put me in my place (not offensive by any means), but made me truly realize what a gift it is to be a Mom and a wife regardless of the hard days. I was explaining that to Trav.... about what a difference your comment made to me that day. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know what you're going through, or to tell you the Lord has a plan for you....cause I have had answers come to me like that this year as well....and all they do is make me frustrated and somewhat angry. Because like you said, what we all go through is so very personal, that no one can truly understand what we are feeling and how we are dealing with it. So I will just say to you what I have wished others would say to me, and that is....I love who you are, I'm sorry you are going through this trial....and just want you to know I think the world of you! I've always thought you were amazing....especially your eyelashes! That is one thing where I wish the grass was just a little greener over here on my eyes! :) Thank you again for the perfect reminder to be grateful for all we have....not what we don't! You're the best! Merry Christmas!
That must have been some party!!!
Such tender, honest, raw feelings -your willingness to share them is yet another reason I love you so much. Thank you for inspiring me today and every day.
Your post has helped me change my focus - which I really needed today. I appreciated the opportunity to reflect on so many good things. I will enjoy reading it again from time to time. I am NOT a failure - no matter what my grandson says:)!!
Big hug to you - Norm
Julie, I hope you don't mind me commenting, but you do know I stalk your blog, right? You are an incredible writer and as I read, my heart hurt and can empathize, because I too, sit on a bench at church alone and HATE it. I miss my kids crawling all over me, Tyler eating crayons, Alex throwing her shoe up on the pulpit, Kate wanting to go home because she's bored. And, at the same time, I think of you and how you are feeling. Just as you wrote, we didn't count on this, did we? You are an amazing girl. You always have been. Just know that I think of you often and admire you so much! I'd love to visit and update sometime. I want to hear all about your Arizona life! Call and we'll sit on the trampoline and laugh. Love, Jan Green
tearful hugs. :) Once again you're amazing. You have touched so many little lives, and probably been the only one who could have. Thanks for the perspective alignment.
I have to comment on this one pal...you are Awesome! I have to say I have no idea what it must feel like to be in your shoes and I am envious of your time to yourself, but I am really grateful for my little ones as well. I love your honesty and I hope and pray that you will get the opportunity to be a spouse and mom someday, you seem to already have a great picture of what it's like and you'd do a great job! You are such a great example to me of endurance and patience. I LOVE YOU!!
I love you Jules! I loved reading this post...it was so profound, thought-out, and honest! I am grateful for your friendship! You are so amazing. You are so good with your words...I loved it!! What an incredible person you are! I love you! :)
Once again you have touched us all with your honest thoughts... What can I say except I love you and my hands are cold. (and... I can hold yours in just 30 hours!)
love your insight, love your honesty, love your guts!! miss you and still waiting for you to come for a visit in san francisco.
Julie.
This is an amazing post. You are a great writer and so insightful. I love my little patch of lawn/grass. Reading your comments make me want to appreciate it even more. I think that was your intention right? I realize that a lot of times I am in the middle of my own little patch of grass and never walk over to the neighbor and ask if I can help them mow their lawn. And I do sympathise with people who haven't yet completed their "beehive plan". It plain stinks. Too many metaphors?
I miss you. Let's chat sometime soon. Are you in UT for Christmas?
You know what's amazing? I had to run some salad over to my mother-in-law tonight, and as I entered her quiet and organized house, I longed to stay. "Things are too crazy at home," I said jokingly, "and I need a break." As I exited her house and entered mine, I was suddenly flooded with gratitude for the warmth and noise that greeted me. I remember so many of the wonderful talks we had growing up. I treasure those memories, and there are days I wish I could we sit in a snowbank and talk or joke about being ELPS or talk to each other in "ithig." I am so proud of everything you have done with your life. I admire you for your spirit, your education, and your outlook on life. Thank you for giving me an important reminder. You need to call me when you are in town! I would love to grab a quick lunch with you and catch up.
I just want you to know that I have read this many times. I keep referring back and will again soon. Thanks for all you do for those little ones. Given the time I had spent in elementary schools. When they share what goes on it there lives it just blows my mind.
My Beehive plan didn't go as planned. My wedding colors were far from purple and pink. lol I truly wasn't ready but everything happens for a reason. When you get married your marriage will be so blessed because of all you have done, experienced, and you already treasure it.
Thank you for your post. I love you.
I don't know you, blog stalking, my good friend Heather has a link to you. I have stopped by a few times and think you are an amazing person, writer. You should write a book. I'm in a "scary middle" I wish with all of my heart I could change it. I can't, and I'm too stubborn to accept it. Thanks for your thoughts they truly mean alot to a girl stuck in the middle.
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