Forgiveness

So, up until about...Sunday...I believed that I had the fool-proof way to avoid having to speak in sacrament meeting. It goes like this: accept a teaching position in relief society or gospel doctrine...and bear your testimony on occasion (approximately 2 times per year, give or take). For about 10 years that worked for me. Until Sunday.

So...this Sunday I'm speaking in church...on forgiveness. I have a thousand different ideas and haven't yet decided which direction I will be taking this talk...but it will probably include elements of:

• importance of forgiving others
• importance of forgiving self
• importance of allowing time for real forgiveness and not judging self or others when/if the process is not quick or immediate

But....I'd love to hear any thoughts, quotes, stories, scriptures or anything meaningful that my dear friends may feel inclined to share. Also...what do you think is missing when this topic is discussed? What do you think we need more of? Less of? If you have thoughts, feel free to leave them as comments or email me if they are more personal. If not...

I forgive you.

Summer visit to Utah!

Had SO much fun in Utah...have tons of pictures to share...

Spent a day at the cabin with just dad and I, which was great. He cut down trees while I laid in the hammock, then we decided to make little stumps out of the segments for sitting on around the fire...sealed the tops off with...varathane? Then a long ride on the 4-wheelers...good day. While hiking near the buick, dad came very close to stepping on a rattlesnake...luckily he has very quick reflexes because he was able to miss it. Though he WAS disappointed when I didn't hand him the camera quick enough for a quality photo...all he got was the tail because I was worrying about ridiculous things...like GETTING AWAY from the VIPER... In the photo below...no snake, right??

WRONG!!! See, he's getting away...but there is his tail... Anyway...cabin fun with dad: which involved a photo op with "Dad's Buick"...even though I didn't think GETTING IN was a good idea...he was not afraid of glass and rusted metal...apparently the rattlesnake wasn't enough danger and he needed a little more. We also had a s'mores competition (microwave version). He and I have different opinions regarding the winner of said competition... A few days later we went to the cabin with Jeff and Kim and their kids and mom and dad and I. Had so much fun as usual...went on long 4-wheeler rides, had fun with the HUGE marshmallows from the Peterson's (thanks Areta!) and enjoyed time in the hammock and very frequent trips to what Parker has now named "the treat drawer."

So...Picasa won't upload some of my camera phone pictures into the collages...so here are some of the favorites...

Cute Claire and Mitch on the way to Park City..

.I have no idea why Burger King chose to put The Vampires on their kids crowns...something about Bella next to darling, sweet Carter just looks wrong. BK, bring back the gold crowns with brightly colored circles please!!

It's a good day when you get lucky enough to 1-get Cayden in the photo, 2-get Cayden smiling and looking at the camera in the photo! Love this little redhead!!

It's a shame that this is the only picture I have of Areta from my trip. Sorry sister. But we all know you're busy reading NieNie or wading through an inbox of 3,425 emails so you won't ever see this, right? ;)

I can 't even get enough of darling Carter with goggles on...this most darling little face, cute cheeks...love, love, love this boy. Love that he's a snuggler, love that he and I spent at least 2 hours one morning at the cabin laughing and snuggling...playing the "do you want a BIG hug or a little hug?" game we made up.

Three cute girls in the hammock...

So...also got to be in Utah over the 4th of July. Had a great day, ran the Kaysville 5k run with Areta and her family (as well as half of Kaysville), then enjoyed the looooong parade (we had perfect seats in the shade (thanks Janay) and even felt a little cold...nice!After parade we went all went swimming with the Peterson's...so much fun.

Then a great dinner...then off to fireworks @ Davis High. I loved that darling, brave Cayden is not afraid of anything (except for the fireworks this year...note the picture of him sitting UNDER the chair...darling)...but then he sat with Grandpa and liked them after all.

More Camera phone favorites from the 4th:

My trip also included: visits to see both grandmas, fun shopping with mom, meals with old friends and new babies (so fun to see you Gaye and Ann...and I'll share my muffins with Noah any day-darling boy!), running in the cool mornings with Areta, Cherry Hill with the Peterson's, lots of shopping with mom, mid-afternoon naps with Mollie the WonderDog, sleeping at night in the cold basement in flannel sheets...HEAVEN, and lots of time to love on my darling nieces and nephews...great trip!

Picacho Peak w/ Sher!

So. Catch up. Sher visited in May...we had so much fun. I think the highlight for both of us was hiking Picacho Peak. For sure the hardest/best hike I've done. Very steep, Sher and I loved the cables...kind of like rock climbing but with cables instead of harnesses. Awesome.... Lots of pictures... PS-For a good laugh, enlarge the picture above...my face makes me laugh...kiiiiiinda intense. love the picture above of Sher...hello, right out of an REI magazine...intense. At the end we were walking for what felt like HOURS...it was boring and flat and hot and I was out of water...I said "Pally, kinda feels like we're in the movie 'Holes,' don't ya think?" Seriously...Next time we're going the Hunter's Trail way...so we skip the 3 miles of strolling through the Sahara in the heat of the day. (PS-for future reference, May is WAY too hot to do this hike-was over 100 degrees for most of it...October-March...probably perfect).

Mother's Day-Part II

Preface: this is another of those more "real" kinds of posts that you don't see super often here. But since this IS my blog/journal...I feel entitled. Wait til next week if you want frivolity. XOXO-jb

To my future kids,

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day down here. Kind of a weird day for me. Easy in that I get to think about and celebrate my mom and all that she's done for me...and also all the women I know and love who teach, love and nurture-I am lucky in that there are many.... But hard in that I am not celebrating it as a Mother. And my friends will say that I love & nurture my darling kiddos in therapy and even my new little darling stinky webelos, and my nieces & nephews and my friends children-all of whom I love as if they were mine...

Still. I am waiting for you. I don't know how you will come, I am hoping I will have the experience of feeling the miracle of life, with a tiny you moving in me...I want to know about that. I am also aware that there's a good chance one or more of you may come into my life through adoption and I am excited for that. You may come to me as a big kid with some rough stuff that happened to you before we meet-I'll be ready for that too. I will wrap you up in more hugs than you ever thought possible and we'll do whatever it takes to help you grow up safe.

The mom stuff I feel ready for, it's the wife stuff that's tricky. Where the heck is your dad??!?! Seriously, when he shows up, I'm not sure if I'm going to lecture him about his severe tardiness or kiss him long and hard. This waiting business is making me crazy. Still, I'm not picking a crazy (ask me later about "bike boy," "chick-fil-a" boy, etc). I'm looking for a good dad for you, one who will work hard, love me, and love you all-a lot. Someone who will be gentle but strong and honor his priesthood and his role as a husband and father. We may have to wait for the right one, deal? Once we find him, we get to keep him for always, so it will be worth the wait. Promise.

I started thinking about you guys when I was about 3 and asking my mom when it would be MY turn to be a mom. Most of the time, I'm happy and busy and moving along with life, but always I wonder about you. Always I would pick you over anything else I have going on now. I'm turning 32 soon. I don't really worry about age except when I do the math...I'm now at least 32 years older than the oldest of you (if you're coming to be biologically), which means, I might seem very old to you. When you're graduating from high school, will your friends think I'm your grandma? Don't be mad, okay? And will I be strong and healthy so I can run around with you and your soccer/softball/basketball/tennis/track stuff? (Please don't pick football! I don't want you to get hurt!)

Some of the stuff happening down here is kinda crazy. I worry about what you might have to deal with and I think about and pray for you even though you're not here yet, crazy huh? The only time I'm okay with you not being here yet is when I worry about keeping you safe... I'm sure gonna wish I could shield you from trials, and sickness and hard things...even though that's not really the plan...

Sometimes I don't like going to church on Mother's Day. I don't like it when they make all the women over 18 stand as the deacons pass out flowers or chocolate....and the poor kid coming my way glances back at his mom and mouths "Her?!??! She doesn't even have kids! She's not even married!" and I pretend like I didn't see it because his mom is mortified. As he passes the gift my way, I make a mental note, "I am FOR SURE not coming next year!" Except that I say that every year and every year I go. I was pretty sure I wouldn't go this year except that it's my week to teach gospel doctrine.

So. Tomorrow I will go to church. And all kinds of emotions will surface...because my feelings about the role of women, especially mothers, are more deep and more tender than I will ever be able to express in words. And my love and gratitude for my mom, as well as the other friends/family in my world who love, nurture, protect and teach is profound. As are my feelings about you...

So, my dear little ones. You're not being "picked last," I have wanted you for a long, long, long time. And once you come, I'm keeping you forever and ever and ever.

Love you,
Your (future) Mom

Mother's Day-Part I

Mother's day growing up was easy and fun...usually involved construction paper cards or some amazing (you read: completely terrible looking) craft from school, including at least two ceramic jewelry boxes which I think mom kept for about 25 years. (I'm sure she wins the award, I'm guessing most moms ditched them about 24.5 years sooner).

So, it still is a great day..a smidge more complicated for me personally (for explanation please see the next post). I love my mom...have called her my "Kool-Aid" mom for about the last 10 years because in the kool-aid commercials, the mom always, always, always shows up with a smiley pitcher of kool-aid at precisely the right moment-assuring her perfect children would never get the slightest bit dehydrated. Granted, my mom loved us enough to NOT allow us to drink kool-aid endlessly...but she was the Queen of all the little things...presents on Valentine's day, green pancakes on St. Patrick's day, a candlelight pizza party on my tiny, tiny, tiny plastic "dishes," and bringing balloons and treats to the classroom for every birthday. She endured "pick-up picnics" (which I'll discuss during the Father's Day post), camping and other outdoor adventures well... She loved me then and loves me now. She worried about me then and she worries about me now. She always did her best...and I'm grateful for that. She was and is a great mom and I've learned so much from her.

No mother is perfect, and she's spent more than a minute apologizing for not being able to find me a REAL Cabbage Patch in 1983 when they were pretty much black-market...she thought the "American Kid" would do and my guess is that she was sad/surprised/devastated when her 5-yr old immediately ripped open the package to check the doll's hiney for the "Xavier Roberts" proof that it was an AUTHENTIC CPK...and found a signature-less bum...sigh. And she dealt pretty well with the teenage Jules who was somewhat mortified when her parents (ym/yw presidents at the time) disco danced during an activity in FULL disco attire. (Truth be told, they WERE good...I believe they had lessons at some point, true or false, mom?).

I was browsing the Mother's day cards recently and found one with a mom and her young son on the front. Inside it says "Behind every great kid is a mom who's sure she's screwing it up." My experiences as a therapist would support the fact that most moms try very hard to do everything they can to help their children. They don't always do things perfectly, but that would be impossible. And most moms worry so much about not being perfect. The older I get, the better my perspective gets (and those of you older than me might laugh because I still have so far to go...) but it's really starting to make sense. I'm sure that when I cross the bridge into motherhood, things will suddenly/abruptly make much more sense. Mom used to tell me "You'll like me when you're older." Well Mom, I'm older. Like you. Love you. Lots.

So...my message to my darling mom and the other women I know and love who are all amazing Mothers...You are amazing. You are making a difference. You are loved, you matter and there's no such thing as perfect parenting...and there doesn't have to be. Your influence reaches far, much further than you know. So. Take a deep breath and get back to relaxing. This is, after all, your day! I love you!

Ragnar Part II: The Tutu

So...a Ragnar team usually consists of 12 runners...6 in one van, 6 in the other. While van 1 is running, Van 2 rests and vice-versa. The race starts early Friday morning and ends sometime Saturday afternoon...going through the night. My team captain...cute Celeste, is a veteran Ragnar runner and knew the ins and outs...including the joys of having a team costume. I thought we were out of the woods when we were still costume-less the day before the race. But then Costco had to ruin all that for me.

You may or may not be able to tell that this us...digging through a large pile of tutus. Someone found them and jokingly said "It would be funny if..." and in an instant a little joke became a terrible reality. You might be wondering why Costco would be selling adult-sized tutus. Well, don't worry, they weren't. These are little girl's tutus...the largest size being a little girl's 7/8...and while there were a few runners on our team who probably do fit into little girl's clothing, for the rest of us, it was a bit of a tight squeeze. All in the name of fashion?

We got compliments /comments throughout the entire race. People we didn't know asked to take our picture...about 25-30 people (real number, not "Jules number"). And people who didn't ask were also taking our picture. I have a feeling I may one day find not-so-flattering (as if any of them are) pictures of me in a tutu. Men seemed to be particularly interested...as is evidenced in this picture below:

You may have to click on it to see it bigger, but there is a man standing behind us watching...and this is pretty indicative of how things went.

At first I was NOT a fan of this idea. I did fall a little in love with my tutu (and may have even worn it when it wasn't required-like while stretching before the race while watching TV) but still refused to actually wear it while running (most of my teammates wore theirs for all three of their runs). They said "Oh, you will cave...you'll wear it." FALSE! I did not.

Ragnar Part I: The Hill

This past weekend I completed my first Ragnar (a 2-day, 200-mile relay race)...I say first because I loved it and hope to do another one soon. That being said, the first of my three legs was a 7-mile nightmare of a hill. I have had this little picture (see below) taped to my wall for the past several months and as I've been training I've been looking at it thinking..."I got this, I can so do this..." The nice little chart does indicate an elevation gain...but as the MONSTER hills were in front of me (and kept coming and coming), I suddenly felt that the cute little chart was a GIANT lie...it should have looked more like the heart monitor of a person in the middle of an acute heart attack...with violent spikes. (Which maybe is was my heart was actually doing during the climbing of said hills). However, when I finally got to the top and knew I was at the 5.3 mile mark and that the rest was downhill, I think I remember saying an out loud "Thank you Jesus" that was as sincere a prayer as I have ever uttered.

More pictures and stories to come...but to summarize, I ran 12.7 miles, biked 13 as a pacer (for the middle-of-the-night legs). It was the hardest race I've ever run and I understand why people say a Ragnar is harder than a half or full marathon...just such a different thing... I loved the experience and am excited to run another sometime soon hopefully.